Both the boys play soccer and Gaelic for Castlewellan. It just went from playing in the garden to playing for local teams and now that’s the focus during the week outside of school. I would be quite active as well, going to the gym 5/6 times a week before my diagnosis and, since coming through cancer, I help to coach one of the boys’ football team.

I was diagnosed with cancer in 2023. I had found a couple of lumps in my neck the summer previous from swollen lymph nodes and from October until May I was back and forth to the hospital for biopsies. Nothing was conclusive and because there were no other symptoms, they weren’t expecting cancer.

Then we went for an appointment to get results of the latest biopsy and as soon as the consultant opened the door and made eye contact with me, I knew there was something wrong.

At first, I felt shocked and then I just went into autopilot. During that time between being diagnosed, going for further scans and getting results, you don’t know what you’re dealing with. And then it all moves quite quickly. I got the results of my PET scan on a Wednesday, had my PICC line put in on Thursday, and started chemo on Friday.  At that stage it was a relief to know the cancer hadn’t spread. There was now a plan in place and so it felt easier to handle because before that your thoughts just run wild and you can’t help but imagine worst case scenarios.

We told Caleb and Noah that it was cancer, but that ‘cancer’ is just a word used for a lot of different illnesses. We told them that it was very treatable and that I might get sick or look unwell, but it would be a side effect of the treatment, not really the illness.

A week after we told them, we were doing a sponsored walk up Slieve Donard and I was able to say, “Look I might be unwell, but I’m still fit enough to be climbing mountains.”

We were referred to Cancer Fund for Children and were able to visit Daisy Lodge. It was great. As a patient, you feel like you’re getting waited on hand and foot, you become very dependent on help from other people, so it was nice to get away so Tori could get a break. The boys were able to play pool and mix with other kids. It was a great distraction for them.

During our stay I had reflexology in the spa and that was lovely. Tori and I also took part in the parent overnight stays. They were really relaxing and a great way to switch off.

At the start of my treatment, I found it difficult going from being active and going to the gym 5/6 days a week, to having to sit down after going up a flight of stairs to catch my breath and settle my heart rate. I also suffered with panic attacks. I didn’t feel overly anxious in my mind but my body was reacting differently. My heart would race, and on one occasion I was convinced I was having a heart attack.

I think the main thing I would say to people going through a similar experience is not to try to go it alone. Accept help.

Different charities have provided different support services at different stages of my cancer journey, and they’ve all helped massively. I tried things that I would have been very dismissive of before, from mindfulness to meditation and counselling. Things might feel awkward or uncomfortable at first, but you always feel better after.  It’s important to say things out loud and not just keep them in your head.

I’ve been very fortunate to have Tori, both my parents, our sisters, and really good friends and a great support network. I know other people aren’t as fortunate so definitely, in terms of charity support, take anything and everything.

Embrace anything that can help, even if it just makes things 1% easier.

Cancer doesn’t just affect the individual; it affects the entire family network and as the person diagnosed, sometimes it feels like you’re getting all the attention and all the care. Knowing Cancer Fund for Children was there for Tori and the children was a relief.

Dad, RJ

Caleb and Noah get on really well. They’re quite outdoorsy and up for anything. They did the Bog Run for Cancer Fund for Children in October 2023, shortly after RJ was diagnosed. They love playing football, going up the mountains and paddle boarding. They’re just easy-going, happy to do anything, kids.

For two weeks after RJ was first diagnosed with cancer, we didn’t know the full story and it was like hell on earth. We didn’t tell the children initially because we didn’t know what we were dealing with. When we came home from the appointment when RJ was diagnosed, Noah asked how it went, and it felt like taking a bullet. It was awful.

When we did tell the boys, they dealt with it in the exact opposite way than I expected. Caleb dealt with it the way I thought Noah would have and vice versa. I expected Caleb to ask a million questions, but he never really did whereas Noah asked questions about every single thing. He wanted to know the information whereas for Caleb, not asking questions was his way of coping.

We were referred to Cancer Fund for Children and the first thing we did was stay at Daisy Lodge. We loved it. It was brilliant. They boys loved the food. We won family game night and we took part in the art workshops, creating frames and a daisy which is now displayed at Daisy Lodge at the front of the Narnia log cabin.

It was lovely to chat to other people who get what you’re going through. I think that’s what I sometimes struggled with. People try their best to say the right thing, but they just can’t and that’s understandable, but it can be really difficult. Sometimes, I just wanted people to say “Yeah, what you’re going through is totally rubbish,” rather than pretend it’s all going to be fine.

Caleb and Noah also took part in Cancer Fund for Children’s groupwork programmes, and they both loved the experience. Caleb’s group became really tight and we’re still part of the group chat with the parents of the other kids. We take turns organising meet ups. They’ve gone surfing and been to an escape room. It’s nice for the boys to get opportunities to chat about things as much as they want, with people who understand what it’s like.

The charity’s Cancer Support Specialist, Paul also did one-to-one sessions with the boys and they were brilliant. They loved going out with him.

Cancer Fund for Children put me in touch with Lynn, their Parental Cancer Support Specialist and at first, I was a bit nervous. I didn’t know how meeting up with her was going to go. I just knew that if I had been put in front of somebody and told to talk about how I felt, it would have been really difficult. But Lynn and I went for a walk and got a coffee, and it just immediately felt like meeting a friend. Lynn made me feel validated in how I felt. I got a lot out of chatting to her.

I also attended a few of the parental coffee mornings and I’ll be going to one in March. I started making bracelets as a distraction tool during our experience and I gave some to Daisy Lodge for any of the kids that were staying. Lynn has asked me to come and show these and chat to other parents about how it helps me.

To other families going through a similar experience, I would say trust the process. At times, it’s so difficult. You feel like your control has been handed over to someone else, but you have to take one day at a time and try not to think about everything at once. Your mind can create monsters that aren’t necessarily there, which is totally normal, but don’t get too ahead of yourself.

Men don’t typically share how they’re feeling so for RJ and me, telling others to accept help is really important. There are things we do now that we would never have done before in terms of mindfulness and health and wellbeing. I would tell other parents, don’t be afraid to try new things. If it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work.

Cancer Fund for Children made what was a really difficult time a lot more bearable. Knowing someone was there for us as well as the children has helped a lot.

Mum, Tori